Saturday, April 28, 2012
So, I have still been talking to my ex-boyfriend lately. I’ve never really stopped talking to him really. Bad idea, I know now. I still loved him though…still do now, whether he deserves it or not. I thought maybe we could be friends like I am with this other guy I dated once (not that that really works out perfectly all the time either…) but that didn’t work because I still have feelings for him. I told him so and he said he still loved me too. Okay, great, but we still couldn’t be together because he moved to a different state! So we still continued talking, but I wasn’t sure what the hell we were doing. We weren’t dating because when he asked if I wanted to be in a long distance relationship with him, I said no. I don’t want to be constantly missing him and wishing I could be with him, when I can’t, it’d drive me crazy. Then again, I still felt like that, so I don’t have a clue what was going on. We both said we missed each other and it was starting to drive me crazy because I still want him, desperately. I tried to say goodbye a few times because it wasn’t good for either of us, but I always ended up going back to talking to him. I don’t know what it is he does to me, but I don’t want to be without him. It’s so sad and pathetic, I know.
We got in some kind of stupid argument today because I felt like he was ignoring me and wouldn’t answer my questions. I’d asked him before if he was seeing or talking to or whatever any other girls. He’d said no before and said there were no other girls, only me, which of course made me melt. I don’t know if I believe him anymore, maybe that’s why he wouldn’t answer. I don’t understand him anymore at all. A few days ago he claimed to love me and miss me, and now he says he wants nothing to do with me. He’d never said anything like that before, even when we broke up God knows how many times…there was always some excuse why we couldn’t be together. It has to be the most hurtful thing anyone’s ever said to me. It felt like he ripped out my heart and literally stomped on it. All I ever wanted from him was his love and attention, I guess I’ll never have it. I tried so hard to fix things and wanted us to be happy together so badly, I guess I was really blinded by love. That silly phrase is right. It makes me wonder if he ever really loved me at all? I know I did and I still do love him. How do I make that go away? Will it ever? How do you get over loving someone? You’d think I’d have gotten over him a long time ago, I haven’t actually seen him in weeks! I have a hard time letting go of things, I suppose. I guess this time I have no choice but to be done with him. Hopefully, I get over him eventually. He didn’t deserve my love if he always made me feel awful like this. The thought of him being with anybody else makes me absolutely sick though...but I guess I do want him to be happy. I try to tell myself, "You don't need him, never did, you just want him. You can't have everything you want." I know I'll live without him, but still when I think about him and what thought we could have had together, it makes me so sad. I need to stop crying over him though. Whatever, I guess I’ll have to go back on my search to find “Prince Charming.” Ha, or maybe he’ll find me, whichever. I am determined to be happy this summer, I need it desperately.
Have a great weekend everyone, comment below if you’d like. I’ll be done school for this semester after I finish writing a few ridiculously annoying papers this weekend and a few more classes on Monday! Yay! I’ll try to blog a lot more often and about a lot more things this summer since I’ll finally have some free time! Take care dears.
P.S. To my dear and very sweet friend, Dominick: I’m terribly sorry to have bothered you with all my whining about problems with this guy who didn’t deserve me. You were right. Thanks for always trying to make me feel better though. ♥ You treated me ten times better than he ever did even though we’re only friends and I drive you crazy sometimes. You’re an amazing friend and I’m very lucky to have you.
♥ Xoxo Gabriella